


leitmotiv

by mikochan_noda, politeia



Series: Sasusaku Alter-Reality [2012-2015] [6]
Category: Naruto, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 2013, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Old Fic, Pain, SNK AU, tw: blood and gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:00:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26876329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikochan_noda/pseuds/mikochan_noda, https://archiveofourown.org/users/politeia/pseuds/politeia
Summary: It is no secret to the masses that joining the military was like signing a death warrant. Being a scout, well, that just labeled her masochistic.Her frightened green eyes were staring straight at their proud flag, but she still held her fist in a perfect salute over her heart, her teeth over her lips as if trying to prevent a cry from escaping.“Kakashi.”He was now absolutely positive that his subordinate was seething.“A favor.”
Relationships: Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke
Series: Sasusaku Alter-Reality [2012-2015] [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1766242
Comments: 7
Kudos: 34





	leitmotiv

> **schlepp**   
>  _(slang) v. dragging a heavy burden_

They walked out. One by one.

Frightened cadets turned their backs to the blue-white winged insignia without any hesitation. Disgruntled mutters and hurried footsteps were the expected responses after his brutal, yet efficient talk; he was not here to delude these kids of the dangerous risks they had to take. 

Instead, his lone eye settled on his right-hand man, whose fists were trembling at his sides in anger.

The corporal was glaring at a small slip of a girl, with ridiculous pink hair and a heart-shaped brow. Kakashi remembers that this girl, Haruno Sakura, came from a middle-class family - but was raised in the borders of the Inner City. Come to think of it, she was also a well-educated and affluent woman, privileged enough to receive formal education before joining the military. But despite her status, she persevered and finished seventh in the 98th trainees squad.

It makes Kakashi wonder what made such a pampered girl to pick such a desolate job, when she could have chosen a more rewarding career - a lawmaker, or a healer, even being part of the military police. It is no secret to the masses that joining the military was like signing a death warrant. Being a scout, well, that just labeled her masochistic.

Her frightened green eyes were staring straight at their proud flag, but she still held her fist in a perfect salute over her heart, her teeth over her lips as if trying to prevent a cry from escaping.

“Kakashi.”

He was now absolutely positive that his subordinate was _seething._

“A favor.” **  
**

* * *

> **gretchenfrage**   
>  _n._ an expression describing evasiveness  
>  to a crucial question

“What are you doing here?”

Sakura stopped at the doorway, a foot over the rim of her room. It was probably two or three in the morning, but she didn’t mind waiting the whole night for her best friend to return.

Besides, Ino had been waiting for days.

“I’m not blind, Forehead.” Blue eyes narrowed, patting the mattress to her side, indicating for her roommate to sit down and explain for once and for all what the secret was all about. “You kept on leaving in the middle of the night and _what in the Wall’s name, Sakura!_ ”

Sakura had been carefully walking towards her, shedding her clothes to the floor without any care. When she reached the edge of the cot, her body unceremoniously collapsed to face first to a pillow only in her bare underwear. Her skin was completely marked, but it was not the common red welts associated with the strain of tight gear-belts that alarmed her.

Her arms were littered with fine loops and line marks made by wires, making the shades of pale green tints with blooming purple splotches in between, the scratches and chafing abrasions more prominent under the candlelight. Her exhalations were sharp and deep, with her eyelids fluttering sporadically.

Sakura was almost at the point of fainting.

Quickly, Ino took off to the bathroom to get some clean gauze rolls, ointment and cold water. As soon as she wiped the various dusts and small bloodstains off her friend’s skin, she started ranting ( _holy wall maria, are you killing yourself? don’t you dare fall asleep or i’ll shove this ointment to your butt_ ) loudly while bandaging her right arm. However, instead of the common irritated response to her banters, she only received an unintelligible groan.

The blonde sighed. And here she thought Sakura was having a beautiful, illicit affair with a senior officer (not that she minded, it’s just protocol : _best friends share secrets_. besides, who doesn’t like secret relationships? ino reads quality romance novels, thank you very much.) But it seems the reality was much worse than her presumptions : Sakura was not only being bullied in the mornings, but she was also harassed verbally, urging her poor friend to _quit_.

Ino first aimed to graduate at the top of her class in order to join the military police. Coming from a distinguished family, she was obviously trying to make her dream true, filled with visions of limitless gowns and flourishing gardens. They’re only going to live once and die in the end anyway, so who would blame her if she lived safe and comfortable inside the inner walls?

But then her best friend changed her mind, and suddenly became _suicidal_ enough to join the Scouting Legion. and she would never, ever forgive herself if Sakura died because she wasn’t there to protect her.

( _i want to look at the sea. someone said to me that it looked amazing!_ )

Ino told Sakura that she rejected the Military Police post because she fancied the infamous Corporal, much to her (oblivious) friend’s disappointment. This instigated their rivalry between them in their drills and examinations during their crash courses, intensifying their squabbles in the manor’s halls. She couldn’t tell her the truth, because if Sakura knew, she would blame herself if…if something happened. But she couldn’t really fool Sakura, as she’s actually the smartest in their batch, and if it weren’t for the abysmal practicals, Sakura would have taken her top spot.

This is why the sudden animosity of the Corporal for Sakura rendered her surprised.

At first, Ino thought she was just imagining things, but the constant punishments,

( _late by a minute. run laps till you collapse. give me thirty drops! there is lint on your uniform, clean the latrines._ )   
  
the frequent name-callings

( _weakling, annoying, hindrance, eye-sore_ )

most especially, the discouragements

( _you don’t deserve to be here. you will not live. you’ll die._

leave,)

It was none of her business, sure. But Sakura had always been cordial to the Corporal, even after all the horrible treatment. If anything, it seemed to spur Sakura on, and would perform better than expected. Honestly, if there was someone as strict as the Corporal breathing fire on Sakura’s heels to improve her skills and stamina back then forehead-girl would surely would’ve surpassed her, took the top rank and…

_Oh._

Delicate hands paused in the middle of lathering the ointment on Sakura’s back,

_I see. A boy who likes to pull his girl’s pigtails?_

Wide blue eyes at the snoring girl ( _on her bed, really, forehead!_ ).

_

Later that morning, when everyone was busy at breakfast, Ino went on a personal mission.

The commander’s office always brought a somber disposition to anyone, especially when one’s common purpose would either be to report their losses or deliver missives to the unfortunate families. Right now, she was standing in front of their commander, with a determined air.

“Good morning, commander.” She gave the customary greeting; a fist to her chest.

“At ease.” The eye regarded her carefully. “What is it, Yamanaka?”

Time to get to the point. “Sir, have Haruno at the back in the next expedition.”

Silence. No reactions yet. Okay, move forward.  
  
“I think the Corporal…” This is the hardest part, of course. If this ends badly, she might just get killed for outright insubordination. “..he’s just hurting her. Sir. And if he’s really against her place in his personal squad, then Sakura’s better off with us.”

“Hm.” A white eyebrow curved, making him look thoughtful. “You’re right, Yamanaka.”

She refused to jump in victory, so she stopped herself and settled for a grin.

“In fact,” He swiveled his chair to look out of his window, where bleak clouds formed. “That was my first proposal about Haruno’s designation. He refused.”

“What?”

“The first was to refuse her application.” Kakashi tapped a finger at his chair rest. “I didn’t accept such an impractical request. The Corporal conceded and asked for her to be placed on his squad. Uzumaki had learned of it, and the rest is history.”

Knowing how persuasive (note : pesky) Naruto could be, Ino gave a sympathetic wince.

“The Corporal fought me to have her under his command. I’m afraid I have to reject your suggestion.”

“But…”

“You’ll have to see what’s underneath the underneath. Dismissed, Yamanaka.”

-

That night, she _finally_ got it.

Ino was going to confront her friend again when she heard heavy boots stepping against stone.

She rolled to crouch beneath the stairs, her blue eyes peering in between the gaps of the stairs. Someone was coming down to the stairs, and it was surely not the Forehead-girl.

The corporal was carrying a passed-out trainee, head nestled on the crook of his shoulder, which was why a pink curtain was trailing on his back. Not only that, he was silently muttering about annoying, naive girls leaving their rooms unlocked when he tried to turn the doorknob open with one struggling hand.

So, it’s really a secret, rendezvous-like affair, afte-

“Sasuke?”

 _Sasuke?_ Ino internally screamed. _You don’t say strange names in front of pretty men while sleeping, Forehead. Who is Sasuke, anyway?_

The footsteps paused,

The corporal slightly adjusted her position in his arms, then leaned his forehead forward against her brow. Even with this distance, she could see how close he was to her face, and how _familiar_ the action was. Like he had done this before. Countless of times.

“Sakura?”

It was the first time she heard the Corporal addressing Forehead like _that_ _._

No reply.

“Talking in your sleep.” He sounded….amused? “Again.”

The Corporal sighed, relieved.

“You always do that.” A soft chuckle. “When sleeping outside,”

The door creaked, then closed shut. She waited for five minutes, and another five.

When fifteen minutes passed, she bolted out, along with the knowledge that the Corporal didn’t leave Sakura’s room, and the fact she just heard the Corporal’s true name.

The next morning, Sakura’s new bandages were more presentable than her own work.

* * *

> **zugzhwang**   
>  _n._ a move in chess which has the player at a disadvantage

“Retreat.”

The order is given, crisp and concise, with not a single note of panic, and the soldiers obey swiftly, with sterling competence.

They are used to this: _defeat._

The order to retreat is a directive that is given in almost all scouting expeditions, almost as if it’s routine. It’s very rare that they complete objectives, even if they are the best of the best in the army. There’s always some insurmountable obstacle; dwindling supplies, the fall of night, or, like in this incident,: an unusually high number of titans barring their way.

The entire squad is silent, and nothing can be heard in the field but the sound of hooves hitting the ground and gargantuan footsteps in chase. Shikamaru is nervous, but he is also sure that, at this rate, they would no doubt outrun their pursuers with ease, so long as no aberrant appears to mess things up.

Then, as if his thoughts had summoned it, an aberrant, grotesquely swift at 14 meters, appears at their right flank.

The corporal gives the order to ignore it and to keep running. His words pique Shikamaru’s curiosity. He is new in this squad, having only joined them for three missions, but he has always admired the Corporal’s prowess as a tactician, a skill that seems to improve as the situation gets more and more dire. As one who aspires to become a tactician himself, Shikamaru thinks that if he trains himself to think the same way Corporal Uchiha does, he can greatly increase his chances of survival and maybe even make up for his lack of experience. So he thinks of it as something of a game: to dissect the Corporal’s orders and to figure out the reasoning behind it.

A quick assessment of the situation tells him that, should they stop, the other titans would catch up - and then they really would have no chance. But the aberrant is fast, and there is little doubt that it will reach them. Their best hope of defeating it would be to change course, turn left, and keep running until they get to the grove, where they will have a better setting for their 3d maneuver gear.

But then, seconds tick by, and they don’t change course. Part of him wants to scream, to tell the corporal how wrong he is. He is near panic, knowing now that the 14-footer is getting closer and closer; and that’s when it hits him: the aberrant isn’t just fast, it’s too fast. They would never have reached the grove, and if they did, the other titans would surely catch up, and then they would be in a real predicament.

Shikamaru curses, sweat beading on his brow as he cranes his neck to look behind him. Holding their formation’s rear was Ino, a pretty blonde from his class. She is panting heavily, sheer panic written across her face as she wills her horse to go faster. _Sacrifice one, so that many will survive; go for the path of least resistance_. Part of him admires the corporal’s cool logic, and part of him hates the stoic man for it. Ino was a friend - and then Shikamaru begins hating himself too, for thinking of her in the past tense. He knows now that he has made the trade off in his head. He won’t be doing anything heroic in the next few seconds, friend or no friend. He grits his teeth and turns away, shuts his eyes and holds his breath, mentally bracing himself for the scream that is sure to come.

“Sakura!”

His eyes snap open when his mind registers that that was the Corporal’s panicked voice, not Ino’s. He hears the whirr of the 3d maneuver gear’s iron propeller and a blur of pink flashes in his peripheral vision. Then, the sound of steel against flesh, and he feels the air growing more and more humid with titan steam. The Corporal gives the order to keep running, and Shikamaru once again wonders at the man’s cold logic. But then he surprises Shikamaru by turning his horse around and heading for the rear, his face a picture of fear and anger.

Shikamaru once again cranes his neck to look behind him. Ino, he realizes with relief, is alive. She is on the ground, struggling the get back to her horse, but she is alive and he knows that she will live. Behind her is the aberrant, its movements frantic as it tries to swat Sakura as she viciously attacks in a flurry of strikes. The corporal is still racing towards her, his green cloak billowing behind him, her name a strangled cry on his lips. And that’s when she turns to look - a single second of distraction that allows the titan to seize hold of her long hair, bringing her high up above its open mouth.

The corporal screams again, brokenly, raggedly. his voice now tinged with the agony of knowing that he is likely to be too late. Shikamaru can’t help it, he stares at the titan as it brings the girl even closer to its waiting mouth, but then he notices it: the look on the girl’s face is not fear or even resignation - it’s determination. In one swift movement, she slices through hair hair with her blade, letting it fall in a rain of pastel tendrils. She then anchors her grappling hook to the titan’s forehead, slides down to its nape, and slashes at it repeatedly until the titan begins to fall.

The corporal reaches her then, using his own 3d maneuver gear to get to her. He says nothing as he takes her to his horse, perhaps holding her a bit too tight, his mouth set in a grim line, his face a mask of tightly-reined fury, as he races back to the front of the formation.

Their retreat goes smoothly thereafter.

—

Back in their base, the squad dismounts from their horses. Had it been any other day, groans of relief would usually be heard from the soldiers as they massaged their sore muscles. But the atmosphere was grim, despite the lack of casualties in the expedition. All eyes were turned towards the Corporal, who had never before shown a glimpse of weakness like the one earlier. He dismounts first, then holds his hand up to help Sakura get down. The girl keeps her head down submissively, perhaps more aware than anyone of the anger that was rolling off the Corporal like heated waves.

The squad watches with bated breath as the two stand very still, neither uttering a single word, neither moving a single muscle .

Then, Sakura speaks, her voice barely louder than a whisper: “I’m not sorry.”

At her words, the Corporal raises his right hand, swings it. And the slap reverberates through the clearing like the crack of a whip.

Most squad members avert their eyes out of respect, particularly the new recruits. After all, the girl did just go back for a friend who would surely have died. If it had been them, they would surely appreciate what she did.

However, she also compromised the retreat and, perhaps more weighty in their minds, she also made the Corporal panic - which he never did. It was certainly disconcerting, especially for the veterans who knew the Corporal for the longest. To them, the girl was overstepping her boundaries, and got exactly what she deserved (though it was disconcerting, too, that the Corporal would resort to physical violence as punishment - which he never did before). 

But one thing was for sure, if anybody harbored any doubts that there was something going on between the two - well, they were certainly gone now.

Shikamaru watches mutely as the Corporal retreats into his tent, still seething with quiet rage. Sakura only stands still, bowing her head even further as she reaches up to touch her cheek, a shudder wracking her small frame, her tears falling to the ground below.

Ino chooses that moment to reach out to Sakura; she thanks her, envelopes her in a warm embrace, and cries with her. Shikamaru turns away then, lost in his own thoughts on the harsh reality of what it means to be part of the scouting legion

—

The following day, Shikamaru notices that the Corporal winces with every movement of his torso. It is almost imperceptible, as he hides his pain rather well. But Shikamaru knows in the way that Corporal Uchiha’s hands unconsciously shoot up to his stomach whenever he twists his body or in how he’s even more irritable than usual, that maybe that girl Sakura wasn’t so timid after all.

Inwardly, he smiles, sliding his gaze to Ino. Strategy or not, he now agrees that there is no way that going back for a friend can be a mistake. He knows this now, and he’ll make sure that he keeps it in mind for the rest of his career. 

* * *

> **waldeinsamkeit**  
>  _n._ the feeling of being alone in the woods

Sasuke said that Sakura reminded him of the seas at dawn, where images in the forbidden books would not use common blue paints, but the shade of sunlit bottle-green glass. Her colors reminded him of forgotten myths, of limitless, mysterious places that every soul would want to see once in their unfortunate, imprisoned life . The bastard could have used some lake, an easy spring or other bodies of water as a metaphor, but no - he had to use _the sea_.

The bastard dared to call him pathetic?

 _Yeah, and you’re fucked-up sap_ _,_ Naruto rolled his eyes.

He wasn’t as literate as the remaining Uchiha scion, but hell - he could obviously see that the bastard got the hots for Sakura when he described her as _the sea that can swallow my walls whole._ Thank God for smuggled barrels of vines during their stint in the underground. With the horrors they witnessed, the comforting inebriation brought by alcohol was heavenly.

So here’s the horrific bedtime tale of their lives;  
  
Once upon a time -

before he was experimented on to become a titan shifter (a monster), before the famous massacres, before becoming the sewer-rats and the terrifying scums of Sina, before all went to _hell_

\- they were happy. The three of them.

They were heirs of famous families. He and Sakura were probably branched out, containing some diluted Asian blood behind their bright features. But it’s different for Sasuke. He came from the rarest pedigree of Orientals, enough that they were revered and feared with just the mention of their clan name.

Naturally, they were sent to the same private school. They became friends, ever since Sakura stumbled upon the two boys wrestling on the play pen. Those were their idyllic three years, that Naruto almost forgot some of them, superimposed by terrifying images of scattered corpses, giant skinless hands, regenerating limbs. Yet, despite all of the tragedies, they have never forgotten of the lonely little girl they left waiting on a bench, carrying their packed lunch.

When he was twelve, stole his first bread, and slept on a dumpster, Naruto stopped passing by the road where he knew Sakura would still be waiting, hoping for them to return.

Sasuke didn’t. _The end._

It never mattered to the bastard if he never showed himself to Sakura-chan, preferring to look from afar. Or if he just stared at her from above the awnings, tree branches or some crazy stealth modes (probably where those awesome lightning moves came from?) just to listen her read aloud from her books that she stole from the burnt Uchiha district.

This is why Naruto kept his mouth shut when :

  1. Sasuke wakes up two hours before the roll call inspection to go through her equipment. In her personal locker room, he would wait for Sakura, then endlessly point out her mistakes in maintaining her gear, going about oiling wire propellers and taking all the accumulated motes out the fan every six hours. He knew this because Sakura hissed at him over a bowl of stale potato stew, about annoying stuck-ups with grappling hooks in their asses who just needed to _shut up_ about the dangers of unattended gas cylinders.



Naruto learned his lesson to never mention anything about 3DMGs at breakfast.

  1. When extremely stressed out or after a disastrous Titan attack, Sasuke would often call upon Sakura-chan to go to the nearest tent ( _Haruno, a word?_ That’s The Cue,) Then the bastard would personally ask her to unbuckle her belts, loosen the knots and undress to the barest pieces of her uniform. Then she would wear all of it again according to the procedure : straighten all of her wires, pulls the shirt tightly against her body, buckle her belts correctly and fasten her equipment in front of him within fifteen minutes.



He may be an idiot, but everyone knows how to check thigh belts: you tug at them while bending over, checking if there’s a finger gap between the leather and your clothes. Heck, even the ankle loops and that tight little line of the belt that crossed over someone’s chest needed to be meticulously checked because it’s just that important.

All Naruto can think of was _Bastard, please_.

They weren’t so discreet when Sakura went out all beet red. **  
**  
If anything, the bastard was always thorough.

(Eeew, no more traumatic images please.)

  1. Sakura would fall behind the line, looking back, and then she would return her teary eyes to the road. The (damn) bastard would then insensitively order Sakura to _leave them behind, don’t look back._ or become titan food But it hurts to admit that it was the truth. Sakura wouldn’t survive if she couldn’t keep up. It helps, as Sakura wouldn’t cry in front of him, at least.
  2. At least three times a day, Sasuke would just ask her to quit.



But she doesn’t quit, doesn’t give up. If anything she just makes it a point to others that Sakura deserves her place to be with the elites. It just angers the bastard even more.

Naruto is just tired of all this bullshit.

It’s the reason he’s hesitating.

Usually when out of the walls, attempting to reclaim what humanity said to be rightfully theirs, the Scouts would usually have sleeping shifts. He just got the word that Sakura would be replacing him, and automatically went to her tent. Wrinkling his nose, it was the worst thing to do, waking her up and risk getting a broken nose. 

However, when he lifted the flap and saw Sakura sprawled out of her sleeping bag, the recent scars from her near brush of death prominent on her face, Naruto holds his breath to stifle a curse.

He could probably pull a triple shi-

“Naruto.”

The quiet voice startled him, but he didn’t let the asshole know that. ”Yeah?”

“Center.” Then he jabbed a thumb to the favorite guard position; you could doze and slack off there as long as the Corporal wouldn’t catch you, “I’ll take the rear perimeter.”

Sakura’s post.

“Let her be. She’ll just be a hindrance.”

Naruto’s pretty sharp when in came to emotionally-constipated languages. When Sakura’s deeply asleep, Sasuke’s favorite hobby after his rotation was dropping by for a quick check-up on her equipment (again, he’s really obsessive with that) That made it pretty clear what The Bastard really meant : he just didn’t want Sakura out there alone in those big ass trees,

Grinning, he was rejuvenated enough to join Sasuke to the forest.

Maybe he could have a cheap shot and irritate him enough to have a mock sword fight.

  
**_**

In the morning, when they returned, Sakura was already sent to the right relay position.

“You have no reason to be worried.” See? Even Kakashi can see right through him. They were already mounting their horses, and the center soldiers were already prepared to move out. “They are instructed not to engage. She’s only tasked to assess the injured.”

“Kakashi.”

“You should have more faith in her, Sasuke.” Judging from the snap, their commander’s getting impatient at how edgy the bastard was. “Haruno already proved herself to you many times. She has the third highest record of kills. What else do you train her for? _Stop coddling her.”_

But even before he finished his sentence, a thin black line flared up to the sky.

It came from the right flank

 **bedenke, dass du sterben musst**  
(proverb) _memento mori_

 _It’s just a 7-meter class_ , Sai notes with a small trace of confusion as he arrives at the area where he saw the black smoke signal. He can’t really see why Sakura-san, a medic with ugly pink hair who was sent over by Commander Kakashi to be the newest part of their team, would send out an alert for such a thing. From what he knows about her, she can handle 10-meter titans, even some aberrants, with relative ease, even if she’s alone. And she wouldn’t have been handpicked for the Corporal’s squad if she was incompetent, so it makes little sense that she would call for backup on this one.

Then again, what does it really matter? At least this one would be easy to dispose of. The sooner he kills the thing, the sooner he could get back to the rest of the team.

He cocks his head to the side as he studies the titan and how best to approach it, wondering if there’s a chance that he could capture it so that he could study it later. It’s a rather silly-looking thing – almost comedic, he notes with a little amusement, with its mouth contorted in a goofy grin, its pot belly hanging loosely like a half-full sack, and its too large head that almost seems too heavy to bear. Hardly something that would inspire fear. But one learns not to judge based on appearances when it comes to titans. This one is obviously just as destructive as the rest, if the Medic Tent crushed under its gigantic foot is any indication.

Then he frowns; They had set the tent up earlier in preparation for receiving the probably dehydrated troops who were stuck atop a tree for several days, out of gas and out of signal flares. And they would be needing it very soon, what with the rest of the squad along with the rescued men fast approaching. Without it, the mission would undoubtedly be disrupted. It might even fail. Their coming here could be completely useless.

_What is Sakura-san thinking? She’s supposed to be guarding this place._

His brows furrow as he studies the titan further. Maybe it’s an aberrant, and he just isn’t seeing it. Perhaps he should call for her first, find her or, better yet, find the more level-headed Tenten. Maybe she could shed some light on the situation. But there isn’t any indication that–

He freezes and sucks in a shuddering breath, the horror of realization dawning on him as he sees the titan move its massive jaws, its teeth grinding against each other once, twice, thrice, a crunching noise reverberating through the clearing, before it swallows, a large lump rising in its fleshy throat for a single, agonizingly slow, moment.

It looks around stupidly for a while before beginning to move, a slow wobbling walk that makes it entirely too easy to kill. But before Sai can move in, a hand clamps his shoulder and the Corporal lands gracefully beside him.

“Update me.”

Sai nods and begins to launch into an explanation. But then the grip on his shoulder goes slack, and the Corporal utters a curse under his breath as he takes in the devastation. Using his 3d maneuver gear, he jumps from tree to tree to catch up with the ambling titan, and Sai follows in his wake.

“An aberrant?”, the Corporal questions without looking back.

“Not that I can see, no”, Sai answers with a shake of his head, then he adds, his normally even voice tinged with hesitance, “Corporal–”

“Where’s Sakura?”, the corporal cuts in, his voice too calm, too controlled. And Sai finds that he is, inexplicably, _afraid_ to answer. Somehow, he can’t quite get himself to admit his ignorance (or lack of it) just yet.

But then his superior stiffens as the seconds tick by in thick silence.

“Corporal, the titan-”, he tries again, but the higher-ranking officer cuts him off.

“Maim it. Don’t kill it.”

Sai nods, quickly moving in for the titan’s legs. Once done, he looks back at the camp, watching as the corporal rummages through the wreckage. Thinking that he has a few more minutes before the titan’s limbs regenerate, Sai begins to walk back to the camp to offer his help when a pained moan sounds out from the bushes.

Both of them rush toward the bush, but the Corporal gets there first. He peels back the leaves, his hands trembling, and then–

“Sakura…”

Sai glances down at the injured girl whimpering on the forest floor and kneels down beside her, unsure of what to do. She’s a sorry sight; her hands desperately clutching at a bloody flare gun, her knee caps crushed, a mess of blood and broken bones, her breathing shallow, one eye swollen shut.

He knows instinctively that she’ll never be able to walk again.

“…Where is she?”

The corporal asks, almost hesitantly, his voice weak and thready, barely even audible.

Tenten looks away then, forgetting her pain for a few seconds as she finds herself quite unable to meet the man’s eyes.

He goes completely still.

Several long seconds pass before he begins walking slowly towards the fallen titan, his breathing growing more and more ragged as he gets nearer and nearer.

Then, finally reaching it, he first goes for the regenerating limbs, once again buying time for himself by slashing them off. He walks up above the titan’s body, and with both hands, he buries his blade into its stomach with a strong thrust, and slashes its torso open with a single, downward stroke. A slush of reddish fluid gushes up immediately as the flesh is torn open and the putrid stink of rot permeates through the camp

And then, he begins to dig.

Body parts in various states of decay are haphazardly thrown aside, creating a grotesque pile of flesh and bone and guts around the fallen titan. The corporal seems oblivious to the gore though, even to the viscous fluid now staining his entire body red.

It seems to last forever - this evisceration that seems too cruel even for humanity’s most despised enemy. But Sai can’t find it in himself to look away, mesmerized by the tunnel-visioned determination of the Corporal, caught between awe and fear.

And then, the carnage stops.

Time _itself_ seems to stop.

A single name escapes from the corporal’s lips in a strangled whisper,

“Sakura…”

Then he screams.  
  
He turns into a seething god of wrath and rage as he climbs up towards the titan’s still-grinning face, resuming his butchery with a vengeful fury. He strikes, again and again and again, viciously slashing at the monster’s mouth, brutally chipping at flesh, muscle, and bone until nothing is left but a gaping cavity, shredding his way straight to its nape, unmindful of the scalding heat that burns his skin and the suffocating steam generated by the force of his vengeance.

He doesn’t relent, even when there’s nothing left of the titan but its rapidly dissipating ash, even as his blade begins to tear at nothing but the earth itself, sending bits of bloodied soil and grass flying into the air.

Stunned silent, Sai barely registers that other people have arrived at the scene, or that another medic has come to tend to Tenten, or that Squad Leader Uzumaki Naruto has rushed forward, calling the corporal’s name again and _again_ as he tries to get through to the man who has seemingly gone insane.

The furious screaming eventually stops, dissolving into ragged, soul-emptying sobs.

The corporal kneels in the middle of a shallow bloody crater, his torso pitched forward as he covers his face with his hands, his whole body shaking uncontrollably as he says what sounds like a repeating “ _please…_ ” in muffled moans.  
  
Whatever happens to the Corporal next, Sai doesn’t know, as Commander Kakashi chooses that moment to take him aside for questioning with Tenten.

It’s routine, after that. Normal.

What happened? Three titans attacked. One 7-meter class, one 5-meter class, and one 9-foot aberrant. Tenten killed the small one, and they both went in for the Aberrant, but Tenten was swatted away. She fell to the ground and her legs were crushed under the titan’s gigantic foot. She crawled into the bushes as Sakura continued to fight. The aberrant was killed, but Sakura’s equipment had malfunctioned, the steel wire got stuck to the axle. And, with zero mobility and suspended vulnerably in midair, the remaining titan easily got to her.

Sai fills in the story with his own details after that.

It’s a pretty simple story; nothing special… something that can happen to anyone. A typical outcome, actually, of being in their line of work.

Kakashi then orders Sai to file a formal report, to turn it in the following morning, and to never speak of this incident to anyone – a standard, routine procedure – and Sai, being who he is, is quick to comply.

* * *

> **lieber ein ende mit schmerzen  
>  als schmerzen ohne ende**  
>  _better an end with pain, than pain without end_

  
_Uchiha Sasuke._  
**Lance Corporal**

He drags his pen across the paper tiredly, the heavy note of finality kicking in as soon as he adorns the last letter of his name with a single dot.

Sighing, he reviews the contents of the record for the final time. A life. Summarized neatly in six little facts:

  * Haruno Sakura
  * Female
  * 22
  * Scouting Legion
  * Field Medic
  * KIA



Satisfied that he found no errors, he takes one last look at the picture on the upper right (an earnest face with a gentle smile), closes the folder and places it atop a short stack. He counts, thumbing the edge of each folder gently; one, two, three, four… Fifteen had died in that latest expedition, Fifteen, including Sakura.

He dreads having to submit these reports to Kakashi. They hadn’t been on the best of terms since the incident. And he isn’t entirely sure if they ever will be again.

Then, a piercing pain.

Growling low in his throat in frustration, he runs a hand through his hair and gently pulls at it, finding little relief. His migraines have been getting more and more frequent, and more and more intense, possibly a result of his lack of sleep. He rests his elbows on the table then, buries his face in his hands, wincing as his rough palm grazes the patches of slowly healing burnt skin.

He exhales sharply.

He had been utterly exhausted by his breakdown in the forest, plus the stress of having to inform Sakura’s family of her untimely demise and to return her remains and the personal effects she left behind. Naruto had offered to do it for him, but Sasuke felt that he owed it to them, to her, to at least deliver the news personally.

After all, it _is_ his fault that their only daughter is no longer alive.

Apologizing was the easy part, taking the blame was simple, but what had been difficult was to see his own grief mirrored in their eyes.

It had _hurt_ , even more than he anticipated.

He stops himself at that, and consciously tries to stem the flow of thoughts, but he knows that they will eventually run rampant anyway, overpowering what little sense of self-preservation he has. He knows that the sorrow would once again flood his mind and rob him of his much-needed rest, that, soon, _everything_ would hurt again, a pain that reaches right down to his very marrows, burrowing deeper and deeper with every minute of not having her in his life.

Out of what seems like a newly developing habit, he takes from his pocket an extra pair of belt loops - _her_ extra pair of belt loops, the only possession of hers that he hadn’t returned to her parents (she was his as much as theirs), the only ones he had kept to himself. He had been extra vigilant on making sure that she kept these with her at all times, so that she would always be just a little bit closer to safety.

But now they only remind him of how badly he failed.

So he surrenders to regret, and he crumbles at the _maybe’s_ :

Maybe if he had been just a little bit faster…

Maybe if he had just a little more time…

Maybe if he had only checked her equipment that day, like he always did…

Maybe if he hadn’t taken her shift…

Maybe if he didn’t pick her personally for his team…

Maybe if he hadn’t tried to shower her with special treatment…

Maybe if Kakashi wasn’t such a fucking _ass_ …

Maybe if he _himself_ wasn’t such a fucking ass…

Maybe if he had been _more_ of an ass…

Maybe if he had tried harder to get her blocked from the legion and sent instead to the military police, or maybe even the garrison.

Maybe if he hadn’t been so selfish as to actually, secretly like having her by his side, despite how dangerous he already knew it would be.

Maybe if he had never told her about Itachi, if she had never learned that he would be joining the scouts to find him.

Maybe if he had never told her about the sea… **  
**

Maybe, maybe, maybe, _maybe, fucking maybe…_ he never runs out of maybe’s. But in the end, there’s always just one that weighs the most:

Maybe if she hadn’t met him at all.

( _But what would life have been like, if I had never met you?_

 _You were the only one I had left._ )  
  


–

A year later, he sits watching the sun as it slowly rises above the horizon, bathing the world in a cool, soothing light. On his lap is a book, its pages open on a picture of the sea.

_(It really is the same color as your eyes, like sunlit bottle-green glass._

_But, stupid girl, you were supposed to wait within the walls so I could come home to tell you.)_

His toes tentatively curl into the wet sand, allowing froth to gently wash over his feet, water pooling just above his ankles, dragging with it ribbon-like traces of diluted red as it recedes into the big blue.

It soothes him - _this. the water. the sea. the ocean._

It feels like home. It feels like _her_.

He thinks of her, then, without restraint, without hesitation, for the first time feeling none of the pain, none of the anger, none of the loss that usually accompanies her memory.

She is _here_ , with him.

Vaguely, his ears pick up the _thump, thump, thump_ of heavy footsteps in the distance, getting ever closer and closer. And though the usual soldier’s alertness kicks in, he does not succumb to it. He merely stands up, languidly, slowly, a bit unsteadily, with all the time in the world.

There’s no longer any need to rush, now.

( _The world is finally beautiful. Like you always said it is._ )

The titans no longer scare him, they no longer anger him, they no longer disgust him. Finally meeting his brother, a god among them, had already divested him of his most deep-seated prejudices.

He understands now. The order of things. What needs to happen. He understands perfectly.

But he’d still rather end it all on his own terms.

So he walks forward, leans into her embrace, and lets the waves swallow him whole.

**Fin.**

**Author's Note:**

> posted at sasusaku-alterreality last September 17, 2013 [[LINK](https://sasusakualter-reality.tumblr.com/post/61551068011/)]


End file.
